Dare i start writting again?

My son, my beautiful 8 month old IVF baby. The reason for my changed self.

I dont know if im 'normal', actually, i know im not 'normal'...lol,but, am i socially acceptable?

I have changed as a person. I am only starting to accept the 'new' me 8 months after my sons birth. I feel so different. I dont know if people who concieve naturally feel this way. I am afraid to ask.
I have become this highly strung, serious, not so snap happy gal......and i dont really like it. I sometimes think to myself "ainsley, breath, calm.......stop thinking, it hasnt happened yet and may not happen" even to the smallest of things. I look for fights. I am angry. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am so stressed.
I feel broken when people around me fall pregnant naturally...not all people, but some people. I spose its the ones who think they have had trouble but really havent..........why would you want to 'claim' infertility?
I want to be my old self, and often dream about what i was like before IVF.

I feel like i am losing friends. I doubt the reasons to stand up for myself. I wonder if my own reasons are real reasons. I questions peoples dedication to my. I know i am a nice person to others, but, i wonder if when i am nice people question my niceness.

Will i be the old me, or, has this rollercoaster changed me forever?

t'was the night before...

the blood test. And the signs and symptoms are: *Well no bleeding*, cramping with the crinone, thirst, no much hunger for big hot meals....i want fruit salad and watery foods, i am very quiet, i have funny little stabby pains, did i mention no bleeding?????

Oh well time will tell.

15dpo

cramping, heavy, bloated, thirsty, very very quiet, feeling like as soon as i stand up my period is just going to be so heavy. I am so confused. I just want this to be either positive or negative. I need to know. Its so different to trying naturally, i know that a perfect, healthy, good looking EMBRYO got placed in a perfect position in my uterus. And basically if it doesnt take, its my body and my uterus not keeping it.

the end of the 2WW................

Well i have been in this 2ww for nearly 2 weeks. I have had some af cramping on and off but tonight i feel like i could push out a period! (i am so sorry, but thats just how i feel) I feel heavy, bloated and ready to bleed. But in the same sentence i am also really thirst, tired, and mute. I have gone into my little box and i dont want to talk to anyone. I am happy to type and be on BUBHUB or FACEBOOK but thats about it. I am not even talking to josh, not cause i am angry or irratable, but cause i just have nothing to say!I spose this is just part of the 2WW fun. I keep trying to tell myself and remind myself that "WHAT WILL BE WILL BE". I cant change anything. And my body will do what it wants basically!

My IVF history

Cycle 1- 6 eggs, 5 embryos, 1 transfer- BFN
Cycle 2- over 50 follicles, cycle cancelled due to OHSS
Cycle 3- 18 eggs, 7 embryos, 7 frozen, 2 transfered- BFN
FET 1- 2 embryos transfered- Chem preg
FET 2- 2 embryos transfered- Chem Preg
FET 3- 1 embryo transfered- BFP!!!!! Sadly M/C on the 1/10/09
Cycle 4- 13 eggs, 11 embryos, 5 frozen, 1 transfered- waiting for the results on the 4th of january.

The Hutch!!!

12pdo

And i have started cramping.................I am 99% sure this cycle hasnt worked.......

Once again...........on the rollercoaster. :(

Also, today i got chooks!!!